So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the condom got lost in my hair
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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