Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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