I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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