I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
