I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
