So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
