her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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