I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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