I wish I only lived at night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
