3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
