i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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