I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
