Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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