She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
