apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
