did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
