I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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