i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
