Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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