3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
