these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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