you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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