Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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