I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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