he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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