He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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