I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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