I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
