She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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