Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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