I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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