She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
