when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
