Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
