i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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