You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
