All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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