So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
