who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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