I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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