Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
