WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i dont even know how to be here
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
