On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
