and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
