why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize