There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just high enough for therapy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
