i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I love having hate sex.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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