Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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