What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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