When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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