I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
