wanna go halves on a baby?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
