He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
